rest less

I'm the most anxious I've been in a very long time. This foreign sense of urgency has been weighing on my chest for the past 48 hours and has managed to sink down to my stomach giving me that gut-wrenching, but not quite nauseous feeling. I'm afraid to decipher the meaning behind all of this because these symptoms are faintly familiar, like an old tune my mother used to hum as I fell asleep. I can't quite put a name on it. I have a slight hunch, but I'm praying to god it's wrong. All the time in the world and I'm using it to contemplate, slowly draining myself mentally. Anarchy at its finest in my own head. I swear if I had a choice, I'd be doing better things, thinking about brighter things.

Black Lips - Modern Art

Though their sound has matured, black lips will always bring me back to the simpler glasshouse days.

the light that never goes out

I've been moping around for the past two weeks since my better half left for his internship in one of the coolest cities on the planet. Pathetic as it may be, I've literally done nothing but indulge in my very own pity party. Yet, this is NOT solely because I feel lonely as hell, deprived of the company of the one once attached to my hip, but that I failed to score a single internship I applied to, leaving me without an agenda for this long summer in the boring suburbs of Los Angeles. Whether the companies found a more qualified (read: MBA-holding) candidate to fill their $15/hr vacancy, or the internship was altogether retracted because of management issues, my persistence was no match, nor was it ever a contender. Just as I was about to admit defeat, my baby sent me this kicker as a sweet nudge to 'cheer the fuck up.'

It's a long speech, but the meat of it is this: "It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention." Conan instilled in me hope, and hopeful is definitely a step up from dejected.

thankful for mistakes

It's the first night of thanksgiving break and I'm pulling an all-nighter. I know; how dedicated and pathetic of me...but, c'est la vie.

Naturally, my mind drifted from Rhetoric and the Public Sphere to life. I thought: three years ago on this exact day at this exact time, I was me. I was. I've just traded in my late night binges for early morning breakfasts, my nameless hook-ups for a man that loves me in the purest sense, and my 'hollywood elite' scene for a better relationship with my parents.

You were expecting something anticlimactic?

General Public - Tenderness

Another one bites the dust.

the measure of cool

What's the correlation, if any, between "coolness" and "niceness"?

Sitting at a wooden bench-table on Sunday afternoon with an 18 0z. Chicken-Fried Steak and a pound of Alamo Fajita goodness between us, my boyfriend and I neatly created four categories of people: cool-cool, cool-uncool, uncool-cool, and uncool-uncool. Not too difficult to decipher the meaning of these, the first part of the designation refers to how superficially cool you are (i.e. who you're friends with, where you hang out, what special perks/privileges find you, etc.). The second part reflects how cool you actually are as a person (i.e. how rewarding others find your company, how pleasant you are, if what you bring to the intellectual/artistic table is valuable, etc.). The reason we created this classification is the answer to the question I presented to you above; the answer, which to me, is a nagging contradiction. "Cool" and "nice" exist in a mutually exclusive world, and everybody knows it.

Mazzy Star - Fade Into You