regards, from envy

Why do we torture ourselves by staying friends with our exes on Facebook? Or am I the outstanding village idiot who hasn't caught on to the social taboo yet? Once in a while I find myself resisting the urge to troll the shit out of one particular ex's wall. I'd tell him, in CAPS, that he and his girlfriend need to quit exchanging vomit-inducing banter like it's nobody's business, because it's just that - nobody's business. You know what it also is? Lies reassuring lies. His drunken self has given him away too many times. If I remember correctly, and I do, the last few times I've seen him ended in him emotionally jumping into the sack with me. I'm also tempted to throw in that they are doing society a disservice, but that's a tad too dramatic. I can't grasp the reasoning behind putting your relationship on full-frontal display like that. Are they too insecure or have I just not yet met someone who makes me feel so outwardly infatuated? In any case, flirting over air waves is so 2000's.

last minute memories

If anyone needs a good night/day/week of rest, it's me. I'd settle for just one night of sound sleep, but this requires three preexisting conditions: 1. An actual bed, not a futon, not an air mattress; 2. The luxury of sleeping ALONE; 3. "Inception" not happening from the moment I shut my eyes. Seemingly simple to achieve, but this girl has found it frustratingly difficult. I guess it's my fault for trying to pack 4 months of LA fun in a mere 2 weeks, but that's what any sane person would do right? Back me up here. These last minute memories are crucial to reflect on when shit gets real in London. I'll remember how laidback I've become and how all of this partying madness has wreaked havoc on my body. I could only hope, pray, that all the growing up I've done will not be entirely erased from my memory upon setting foot in, jesus h. christ, EUROPE. It could either go "Jersey Shore" or "Real World," either way, I better be damn prepared and well-equipped with all the self-control/will power/lord's good graces I've racked up.

rest less

I'm the most anxious I've been in a very long time. This foreign sense of urgency has been weighing on my chest for the past 48 hours and has managed to sink down to my stomach giving me that gut-wrenching, but not quite nauseous feeling. I'm afraid to decipher the meaning behind all of this because these symptoms are faintly familiar, like an old tune my mother used to hum as I fell asleep. I can't quite put a name on it. I have a slight hunch, but I'm praying to god it's wrong. All the time in the world and I'm using it to contemplate, slowly draining myself mentally. Anarchy at its finest in my own head. I swear if I had a choice, I'd be doing better things, thinking about brighter things.

Black Lips - Modern Art

Though their sound has matured, black lips will always bring me back to the simpler glasshouse days.

the light that never goes out

I've been moping around for the past two weeks since my better half left for his internship in one of the coolest cities on the planet. Pathetic as it may be, I've literally done nothing but indulge in my very own pity party. Yet, this is NOT solely because I feel lonely as hell, deprived of the company of the one once attached to my hip, but that I failed to score a single internship I applied to, leaving me without an agenda for this long summer in the boring suburbs of Los Angeles. Whether the companies found a more qualified (read: MBA-holding) candidate to fill their $15/hr vacancy, or the internship was altogether retracted because of management issues, my persistence was no match, nor was it ever a contender. Just as I was about to admit defeat, my baby sent me this kicker as a sweet nudge to 'cheer the fuck up.'

It's a long speech, but the meat of it is this: "It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention." Conan instilled in me hope, and hopeful is definitely a step up from dejected.

thankful for mistakes

It's the first night of thanksgiving break and I'm pulling an all-nighter. I know; how dedicated and pathetic of me...but, c'est la vie.

Naturally, my mind drifted from Rhetoric and the Public Sphere to life. I thought: three years ago on this exact day at this exact time, I was me. I was. I've just traded in my late night binges for early morning breakfasts, my nameless hook-ups for a man that loves me in the purest sense, and my 'hollywood elite' scene for a better relationship with my parents.

You were expecting something anticlimactic?

General Public - Tenderness

Another one bites the dust.

the measure of cool

What's the correlation, if any, between "coolness" and "niceness"?

Sitting at a wooden bench-table on Sunday afternoon with an 18 0z. Chicken-Fried Steak and a pound of Alamo Fajita goodness between us, my boyfriend and I neatly created four categories of people: cool-cool, cool-uncool, uncool-cool, and uncool-uncool. Not too difficult to decipher the meaning of these, the first part of the designation refers to how superficially cool you are (i.e. who you're friends with, where you hang out, what special perks/privileges find you, etc.). The second part reflects how cool you actually are as a person (i.e. how rewarding others find your company, how pleasant you are, if what you bring to the intellectual/artistic table is valuable, etc.). The reason we created this classification is the answer to the question I presented to you above; the answer, which to me, is a nagging contradiction. "Cool" and "nice" exist in a mutually exclusive world, and everybody knows it.

Mazzy Star - Fade Into You

untitled

This blog will be the late night stream-of-consciousness that I attempt to decipher in the morning. It will be about books I don’t understand, new food obsessions, how I spend my Sundays, my latest travels that bring me that much closer to 'seven continents before twenty-one', underappreciated moments that I’ll stop here to reconsider, the things I couldn’t live without and the things I could do without; basically, everything that makes my life a little less blasé.

Most important to note is that this blog will be for myself, for the sake of keeping track of my thoughts (and my sanity), and then of course to share it with the ones who take interest.

I’ve kept a few blogs in the past, and I always like to start a new one off with the last entry of the previous one. So here it is:

"All i can say is wow. I've just been struck with the realization that tomorrow will be the first day living on my own. It's a weird mix of nostalgia and fear that's stifling me, which I'm hoping will soon be overcome by excitement; as for now, I feel none of that. I guess the reason I'm overwhelmed with such...sentimentality is because I know a chapter of my life is coming to a close, and I hate saying goodbye. I've been so blessed with the support (and reassurance) of so many amazing individuals, it's difficult to part from something wonderful and start over with what feels like a blank slate.

It’s as if this summer, which I can truly say has been the best thus far, has gone by with the blink of an eye. I've refused to let a single dull moment suffice and have had the pleasure of sharing each one with wonderful company, namely my best friends, and especially ------, ------, and ------. I've won some, lost some, but all the while learned new things and had unparalleled experiences. I've come to realize the things I value most and I've learned how to care for people. I've learned how much love can give, but only after you've suffered through a series of highs and lows, and how much it can take away. I've learned that wanting something and needing something are two completely different things and that mostly everything in life can only be categorized in the grey area. There's been adventure, mischief, and countless firsts that I will never let slip from my memory. I'm going to miss it, there's no question, but there's only more memories to create, and I guess that's what I have to begin to accept.

And as a side note: if I've ever said that I love you, I meant it, and still do. I don't stop loving people that easily.

Bon nuit." Farewell.